Pagoda SL Group
Off Topic => Way Off Topic => Topic started by: Cees Klumper on April 21, 2013, 05:59:26
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A recent post from Stick (Colin) referred to 'garage humour'.
As someone who has very little to none (I am an accountant, need I say more) I'm always looking for some humour. Got some garage humour to share here?
Old Dutch saying: "sorrow shared is sorrow halved; laughter shared is laughter doubled".
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A garage owner dies and comes at heavens gate and meets Saint Peter. Sainter Peter says: "congratulations, you died at 289 years". The mecanic answers: " why you think that?". Saint Peter answers: " I counted all the hours of your bills you charged and came to that conclusion."
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Advice Column by Mechanic John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work top down in my 280sl because it was the first sunny day in way too long, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car sputtered, and then it stopped all together about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with my neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 21. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Considering my experience with the Mercedes Pagoda, I would start by checking that there is no debris plugging the fuel intake in the gas tank or debris in the fuel line. If they are clear, check the filter in the inlet to the fuel pump and then the pressure valve in the fuel injection pump to make sure that there is a strong flow of fuel in and out of the injection pump. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.
I hope this helps, John
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http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79
If this doesn't put a smile on your face, Cees, nothing will.
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A customer bought his pagoda in for an inspection and I found loads of rust.
"How much is it going to cost?" he said?
Oh how I laughed............
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the other Joe
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The Trunk Monkey--a valuable automotive accessory
the other Joe
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=trrunk+monkey+&mid=D27E5E68842EB4B6A858D27E5E68842EB4B6A858&view=detail&FORM=VIRE7
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These are all funny indeed ... Keep-em coming please!
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Cees,
since you are a numbers man here are two for you.
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Well, I guess this is related - sort of...
A crazy man escapes from an asylum and is being chased by the police. He runs into a Laundromat where 2 women are doing their laundry. He rapes both of them and runs out the door.
The next day the headlines read, Nut screws washers and bolts.
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Published auto repair price list:
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-a6Cmms4SwIM/UVlAz78x7HI/AAAAAAAABZc/_BUOENQ8Hoc/s800/auto-repair-price-list.jpg)
Regards,
280SE Guy
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Sign in shop:
Labor Rates:
$85 per hour.
$95 per hour if you watch.
$125 per hour if you help.
A garage owner dies and comes at heavens gate and meets Saint Peter. St. Peter show him his room, it is better than any other room in heaven. "Why?" asks the garage owner. "Well," says St. Peter, we don't often get garage owners here in heaven..."
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Not garage but...
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first, because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.
All men got to shave but, .. it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't
walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Mary
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Very good.
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
So the man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops."
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so..... ahhhhhh............Cees? Have you heard about those new Dutch tires?
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Limerick Time...
A toast to our friend McNeely,
Who had a small Austin-Healy.
When he took out his Girl,
A kind of plump one named Pearl,
Her weight made him do a Wheelie.
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A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man.
He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you
paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and
a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done,
I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!",
he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he
said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"
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so..... ahhhhhh............Cees? Have you heard about those new Dutch tires?
Ok I'll bite ... No Dan, have not heard about those yet, can you fill me in please?
(Waiting for punchline)
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Ok I'll bite ... No Dan, have not heard about those yet, can you fill me in please?
(Waiting for punchline)
Those new Dutch tires?
They stop on a dime.........
and they'll pick it up too! ;D
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and they'll pick it up too! ;D
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true
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A loving wife wasn't sure what would be the most original gift for her dear hubby's birthday.
Knowing that her husband had an unconditional crush on Brigitte Bardot and on Mercedes cars, she had an idea to have the BB letters tattooed on her behind that she would show bended over one of his cars.
On the Birthday day, she did as she thought, proudly exposing the artwork (as shown on the attached pic) in front of his amazed face...
After a long silence, the surprised hubby asks: "Well... fine, but who the f..ck is BOB?
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Ah Ah!
This one works only in French:
- Pourquoi les mécaniciens jouent-ils au tennis avec des boulons?
- Pour gagner la coupe Davis!
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GGR :D
OK, another one:
A family is going by car and suddenly a child runs across the street just in front of the car. Happily, the driver manages to avoid the boy. Then, a policeman stops the car and says:
- Good lord, good reflex that you have. For this, we will offer you a reward - 1000 US$, provided that you tell me how you will spend this money?
The driver replied:
- I'll take a driving license, finally.
His wife tries to save the situation:
- Do not pay attention to him, he always says so when he's drunk.
Then, from the rear seat the grandmother adds:
- I told you that we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car...
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Husband to his wife, who had returned from the ride in their freshly renovated Pagoda:
- Where's the car?
- Partially in the garage...
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This elderly couple took a nice Sunday drive after he spend all of Saturday cleaning and polishing his Pagoda. As they were driving along this moose came out from the woods he could not avoid it and he died instantly. His wife got out of the car run around to the driver side and opened the door to see if she could help him at this very moment a truck came by struck her and killed her as well.
As she arrived at the Purely Gates she meet Saint Peter and he welcomed her. As he did he poked her with a sowing needle and she let out a scream.
"Why on earth did you do this?" she asked Saint Peter.
Saint Peter replied "That was for the one time you were not fateful to your husband"
She said "You know all about that? and where is my husband? he should have arrived before me!"
Saint Peter replied "He is still under our special Sewing Machine we have up here"
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Piper 202 was on approach for a landing when the tower first contacted him for a landing,
Tower to Piper 202 "What is your hight and location?
Piper 202 to Tower "I'm 6 foot 2 and in the cockpit"
Yes ... don't ask I know must have been the pilots first solo flight after his flight training completion.
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This is a true story. When I needed to bring my Pagoda to the paint shop I asked my wife to follow me in another car so that she could take me back home. As she had lent her car to a friend she drove my W111 Coupe which has a manual transmission. She had driven some manual transmissions some years ago so I was confident she would make it. On the highway she was really slow so when we reached the body shop I asked her if all was OK. Her reply was: "Where is second gear?" The knob doesn't have the shift pattern printed on it so by fear of getting in the wrong gear she hadn't shifted at all! Now, luckily, she had started in third (thinking it was first) and managed to take off without stalling, so it's not like she had been driving at highway speed in first gear. But it still must have been quite a noisy trip for her!
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You need to read to the end in order to know what I mean by the subject line
Country preacher -- too funny! Certainly something one can hear or tell in a garage
while waiting for our Pagoda repair bill :)
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should
give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects:
A Bible, A Silver Dollar, A bottle of Jack Daniels, And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, and when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be!
'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
be okay, too.
'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and
Lord, what a shame that would be.
'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a
skirt-chasing bum.
'The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be
the next mayor of Toronto!'
Cees, If that does not bring a smile then perhaps some of the attached images might do the trick :)
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Wow! All the petrol jokes have lead me to believe the garage is quite the premium place to be!
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Wow! All the petrol jokes have lead me to believe the garage is quite the premium place to be!
especially if filled with some vintage car such as a Pagoda ;)
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In the evening, a pretty young blonde walks in an empty street. Then a beautiful Pagoda stops and the driver asks:
- Can I give you a lift home?
- Great idea, so where do you live?
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The german comedian Herbert Hisel was one of Germanys favourite comedians some of his stories on the subject of cars come to mind ... (may sound better in german) :)
Once he asked one of his friends why he had the side windows painted black on his sports car, his friend told him "So that the Dachshund (German Sausage dog) does not look into my windows when I stop at a traffic light"
Once Herbert was driving along and as he did hit this fellow on his bicycle .... He stopped his car and yelled at the fellow; "Cant you watch out where you are going?" The bicyclist yelled back "Why are you going to come back again?"
Unrelated to Herbert ... I came across the photo below and wondered if it is original ;D What do you fellows think? Was the restoration done to original specifications or do we care? :)
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I really did not understand Herbert's jokes. They must be better in German. As the British would say: There is no such thing as German Humour. It reminded me of the following joke however:
Heaven Is Where:
The French are the chefs
The Italians are the lovers
The British are the police
The Germans are the mechanics
And the Swiss make everything run on time
Hell is Where:
The British are the chefs
The Swiss are the lovers
The French are the mechanics
The Italians make everything run on time
And the Germans are the police
(And actually, this is a bit out of date... there are some excellent restaurants and chefs in London nowadays)
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Hello Peter,
You are quite right it does sound better in German :) Problem is with Herbert, he had a very heavy dialect and even Germans needed to listen very carefully to understand him. I abbreviated the joke a bit, you I know understand German, so if you like you can listen to it if you wish (go to Minute 2.00) in the following link;
----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBSb5AUA_E8
Loved your joke about heaven and Hell :) as for the Germans being the best mechanics I have to respectfully disagree, there are good mechanics everywhere, problem is to find a good one like it is in every profession :) for example there are Lawyers and then there are Lawyers ...
Reminds me of a joke ... about ... well you will see;
Nixon, Khrushchev and Castro took a boat ride along with one of there aids one day ...
Castro offered each a nice Cuban Cigar once he did that he
tossed the box with the rest of the cigars over board.
The others ask him in amassment why he did that?
He simply replied "Oh we have many more where they came from"
Khrushchev then gave each a good shot of Russian Vodka he
also tossed the almost full bottle overboard.
Again the others asked why on earth did you toss that fine
Vodka overboard?
Well said Khrushchev, there is plenty more where that came from.
Finally Nixon tossed his aid overboard when asked by the others
why on earth he did what he just did he simply relied.
Gentleman we have plenty of Lawyers in America.
(It is a very old joke I recalled it as best as I could ~ must now be 40 some odd years ago since I first heard it) :)
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Please have look at the radar’s display: you rode 140 km/h - says the policeman to the beautiful blondie at the wheel of a nonetheless beautiful Pagoda.
- Per hour, what hour? – said the blondie. I left home only ten minutes ago!
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- Your Honor – said the Pagoda driver accused of drunken driving - I was not drunk, but rather in a state of ethanol intoxication.
- Consent - answered the judge - therefore I sentence you not for two weeks, but for 14 days of jail.
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This young blonde lady driving her dad's 1964 Pagoda 250sl was stopped by the police man hiding behind the big old oak tree with is radar gun clocking her at 70 MPH in a 50 MPH zone.
Highway Patrol Man to Yong Blonde Lady ...... "I've been waiting for you all day!"
Yong Blonde Lady to Highway Patrol Man ......... "Officer I came as fast as I can"
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A priest and a Pagoda driver arrive at the heaven's gate:
St. Peter says:
- You, driver, go straight to heaven, and you priest proceed to purgatory.
- But why so? - Asks the priest.
- You see, when you said the sermon everyone was asleep, and when he drove the car everyone prayed.
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When a Yuppie stepped out of his brand new BMW, a car passing too closely brushed against the left side. The yuppie laments:
- O f..k! He messed up my beautiful BMW!
A man witnessing the scene:
- Sir, why are you so worried about this car? – Look, you completely blew up your hand!
The yuppie screams:
- Oh f..k! My Rolex!
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man walks into a bar.
He says "ooof!"
]
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It was an iron bar.
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A man walks into a bank in central London and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going broad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000 pounds.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys of his freshly renovated and shiny Pagoda parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
Once the man is gone, the bank’s president and all the officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a vintage Mercedes worth at least GBP 80,000 as collateral against a GBP 5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Pagoda into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 with, on top, the GBP 23.14 interest. The loan officer says: “Sir, we are very happy indeed to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out jolly good, but we are pretty amazed. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow GBP 5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only GBP 23.14 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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Nice...
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A truck driver is puzzled I front of a tunnel as he misses a couple of centimeters to clear the top. A guy in a Pagoda driving by advises that he should deflate the tires a bit and drives away. Then the truck driver thinks for himself: How stupid is that guy! the truck is not clearing at the top, not the bottom!
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A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, he notices a stunning woman at another table, alone. He calls the waiter and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her - hoping that if she accepts it, the night will be hot.
The waiter gets the bottle over to the girl. She looks at the champagne and sends a note to the man. The note says: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes Pagoda in your garage, $1M in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
After reading that note, the man sends his response back to her: "Just so you know: I happen to have TWO Pagodas in my garage, over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back!"
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Essen Auto Show: How to recognize the nationalities of visitors that watch a Pagoda?
- The German examines the engine
- The Englishman looks at leathers
- The Italian examines the horn
- The American examines the size
- The Swiss examines the seals
- The French examines the seats
- The Japanese examines everything
- The Russian examines nothing
- The Polish examines the hostess
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A man goes to see his doctor.
"Can you please give me something this"? He proceeds to drop his trousers to reveal a huge willy.
The doctor stands up looks out the window and points to ferrari and says "i'll give you that"
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What is the difference between a BMW and a hemorrhoid?
There is none: every **** ends up getting one.
(no offence to BMW owners 8))
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(no offence to BMW owners 8))
Very funny Stan ..... I owned 8 of them ... Last 4 where M3's (e46 one and three e92) still have our first one a e28 (535is) love that car, however, love my Pagoda a lot more :)
The M3's are hard ride, however, the 535 is is quite comfy ...
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To my discharge, I also used to ride two: one in yuppie times the old 318 series (designed by Paul Bracq) and in 1991 I bought one of the first new style 320. Superb cars for their times
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There's a senior citizen driving in his bellowed Pagoda on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
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The son got finally his driving license and asks his father about letting him drive the beautiful Pagoda.
Father responds sharply:
- Improve school grades, read the Holly Scriptures and chop down your hair, only then you may return to the subject.
After a month, the boy comes to his father and says:
- Grades are fine, I know the Scriptures almost by heart. Pagoda keys please!
- How about your hair?
- But, Dad! I have read that all of them: Samson, Moses, even Jesus had long hair!
- Oh, you see, son! And they all were walking on foot!
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A group of Pagoda drivers met for a drink at a pub. The conversation focuses obviously on their beloved cars. Finally, one of them says:
- Gentlemen, we sit here a few hours and we talk only about Pagodas. How to fix this, how to tune that, etc. Let's be brave and change the subject!
- Good. But for what? - Agreed the other Pagoda lovers.
- For what? Real guys talk only about sex.
- OK, let’s!
Then, there was a long silence.
- I got it! I got it! – Interrupts one of them: My Pagoda is so sexy...
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A happy wife comes back home and says:
- Darling, I got my driving license! Now we can go and visit the entire world!
And the husband to respond:
- Ok, this one or the next one?
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In the evening, Jane’s father gets into his daughter's room and finds a note on her bed:
Dear Dad!
Finally the school is over. For me… forever.
I'm in love and together with my boyfriend we can finally get away.
I know you will not like it, but he is so cute with all these tattoos and piercings in every piece of his body ...
And his motorbike! Vladimir (that’s his name) says that riding the bike with the helmet is not good for real men like him.
Vladimir is completely crazy about me. He says that I saved him; otherwise alcohol would kill him in the end…
Oh, and the most important! You'll have a grandson! I'm so happy!
My friend Vladimir is now somewhere in the woods building a hut. It’ll have no lights or water, but this will be our new home.
Even though we have nothing to live on, but don’t worry! Vladimir has a splendid idea: we will grow marijuana and sell it in the city.
I will manage, remember: soon I will be 14 years old!
Your beloved daughter.
Jane
P. S.
BTW: All that is crap! I'm at Kristin’s watching TV.
I just wanted you to realize that there are worse things than a crashed Pagoda that I put back in the garage.
Kisses!
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Franz and Monika decided to take a drive in there just turned 50 year old Pagode.
Franz said to Monika, "today we will take the same route we took on our maiden drive when we picked up our spanking new Pagode further more we will stop at every spot we stopped then"
Soon the where on there way, it was a great and sunny day just fantastic for a top down drive in the country. Franz stopped by this large Oak tree parked the car and made his way across the street to the tree.
He soon returned and Monika asked him "why on earth did you stop here" Franz replied, "don't you remember 50 years ago we stopped here so I could have a leak!"
"Oh I see ... How was it?" Monika asked him.
He replied with a straight face "50 years ago I had to put Charles under the wire ... Today I had to hang him over the wire so not to dribble all over my shoes"
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I hope you enjoyed it like me, darling!
Happy driving!
...WRe
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Tell me Hans asked Fred how did you make out with your 250 SL restoration project?
Then Hans started to paint Fred a mental picture ... It was something like this ....
(Captions are ... "Before" ..... And ..... "After" in case you are not fluent in German)
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A manager, an engineer, and a software developer are returning from a convention in their Pagodas. As they are driving down the peak of a mountain the brakes on one fail and the car goes careening down the road, bouncing off several guard rails before stopping at the bottom.
All three get out of their cars: the driver of the one that crashed amazingly unhurt.
The manager says "I think we should hold a meeting to discuss the possible solutions to the problem."
The engineer says, "I think we should disassemble the car and do a structural analysis on each part to determine the cause."
The software developer says, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
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A man goes to see his doctor for advice:
- Doc, for over 7 months my wife no longer wants to make love with me!
- I see, ask him please to come see me.
A very attractive wife arrives at doc’s the next morning and he asks why she does not want to make love with her husband.
- Oh doc, she says, I crashed my husband's Pagoda seven months ago and the car is still at the repair shop as my husband refuses to pay the note. And for seven months now, every morning, to go to work I have to accept my neighbor’s offer to give me a lift in his car, and he always asks me "well, you'll pay me for that now or what?"
And since I don't have enough money, I always give him the "or what" if you see what I mean...
This makes me always come late for work, so my boss asks me: "Do you want me to cut your salary or what?" Then off we go with another "or what"...
When I come back from work, my kind neighbor waits for me in his car, so there is once more another "or what"
You see doc, so when I get home I'm so exhausted that I don't want any more sex with my husband...
Doctor thinks a while and finally says:
- I understand. Now, are we going to tell all that to your husband, or what?
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The gynecologist decided to attend a car mechanic training.
Being a bright and hand capable person, he got 150% result at the final exam.
Curious why he was able to achieve such an outstanding result, the gynecologist went to see the instructor and asked for clarification.
- My sincere congrats - the instructor says – we never saw such a brilliant student. The results you got are:
- 50% for the engine disassembly
- 50% for the engine re-assembly and
- 50% for you did it through the exhaust pipe.
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Two young ladies are talking:
- Is your boyfriend handsome?
- Very! He has his mother's blue eyes and a silver Pagoda from his father ...
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A policeman stops a woman (obviously driving a Pagoda ;)) for excessive speeding.
- Good morning. Do you know what that is (showing a portable radar set)?
Good morning Sir. No, I don't. What's this? A hairdryer?
- No, ma'am. This is portable radar. And what have we here? Can you see these digits?
-140, I can see.
- Exactly. Your driver's license and car registration documents please...
- I have none of them.
- How come you have none of them?
- Well, because, you see, so it all happened quickly today ... and even this Pagoda is not mine.
- What do you mean it's not yours?
- Well, you see... I actually stole it. Because as I killed that man, I had to somehow get rid of the corpse, and I did not want to dirty my car. So I stole this stylish Pagoda and packed the body in the trunk. And now I was going so fast as I wanted to get rid of the body as soon as I could.
- Do you really mean what you just said, lady? You declare that there is a dead body in the trunk? Now, please put your hands on the hood and don’t move!
Then the policeman calls for backup:
- I've got a dead body in the trunk, stealing a car and speeding.
In no time, a whole team with all kind of weapons showed up. The commanding officer stepped up towards the women.
- Do you have any documents?
- Off course I do. But they are in the glove box. Can I give them to you?
Then she goes to the glove box, hands the driving license and vehicle registration to the officer. Everything looks perfect… spic and span
- As it is not a stolen car?
- No, of course not, that's my car.
- OK, so please open the trunk.
The woman opens the trunk, and again, everything is perfectly in place, including the warning triangle, spare wheel etc. The commanding officer becomes truly confused:
- Well... as we got the report about a stolen car with a dead man in the trunk…
- Oh, good Lord... and what else was he telling you, perhaps that I was overspeeding?
-
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
- 1st surgeon: Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
- 2nd surgeon: Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
- 3rd surgeon: Try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.
-
4th surgeon: prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
- 5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: I like Pagoda car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.
-
A police officer stops a man riding a Pagoda (surprise surprise :)) because he didn’t stop at a stop sign.
- Your driving license please
- But Officer, could you tell me what have I done?
- You didn’t stop at the stop sign.
- But officer, why should I stop? I have seen nobody around here.
- It doesn’t matter, rules are rules.
- No, but Officer, when I approached the sign I slowed down to 5 mil/h and when I saw no car, I drove away. Don’t you have something else to do? You better go and eat some donut or else!
- I'll pretend I did not hear that last comment. Now, driving license, please.
- Okay, but really, I still don’t understand why slowing down is not enough… Can you explain what difference it makes to you between stopping and slowing down?
- That I can do for you – the cop takes his stick and starts mercilesly banging on the body of the freshly restored Pagoda.
After five minutes, he asks the completely shocked driver:
- Do you want me to slow down or stop?
-
since it's vacation period I double the output to 2/week, so here is another one :). I just went back fro Florida, so action takes place there...
There was a guy from Miami who bought a Pagoda with a SLS engine 5.6 l engine conversion. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 100 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through the little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Pagoda and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
-
That's a good one! I just told it to my wife and she had a good laugh. She wonders where we car nuts are getting all this imagination from!
-
In Poland, inhabitants of the city of Cracow are famous for their extreme avarice, apparently exceeding even the ubiquitous Scots.
So... one day in Cracow, a man buys a car. He chose the cheapest model, but still something seems to bother him. So he asks the salesman:
- Does this car consume a lot of gas?
- Not at all! Just a spoon.
- Do you mean a teaspoon ...? - asks suspiciously the guy.
-
A new Pagoda owner returns to the seller with complaint:
- When I bought this car, you told me that it was a rust-free California car, but underneath it's covered with rust.
Seller:
- Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. I didn't charge you for it, did I?
-
This morning I drove to work as usual on the main boulevard. In front of me in the left lane, a young, attractive woman rode in a shiny Pagoda. At a speed of 130 km per hour I saw that she was seating with her face next to the mirror redoing her makeup. Literally, a second later, this girl - still busy with her makeup – was in the middle of my lane...
And, although I am really a tough guy, I got so scared that the shaver and the sandwich fell out of my hands. When I tried to regain control of the steering wheel, I dropped my mobile phone into the mug with hot coffee that I held between my legs. All coffee splashed around and burned my manhood. Besides, my phone went dead and I lost a very important business conversation...
Now you see why I hate women behind the wheel!
-
With a very seductive voice a woman asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said "No!", trying to hide his arousal.
She said ... "Check the garage."
-
When the time came for my friends daughter to go to school her grandfather was given the job.
On the day in question he had a hospital appointment and could not carry out this duty so the grandmother was given the task.
The journey to school was carried out with no problems but on the way home the little girl said.
" Grandma can I ask you a question"
" Yes dear, go ahead "
" Is everyone on holiday today " asked the little girl.
" No dear it is not a public holiday today, why do you ask" replied the grandmother.
" Well we have not seen Mr Bastard, Mr Pillock or Mr Toe Rag today so they must be on holiday.
-
MALE LOGIC.....FLAWLESS
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a nice restored Pagoda? Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No Man: Where's your restored Pagoda?
-
Johnny ask his friend, a newbie owner of an unrestored Pagoda:
- How is your Pagoda doing?
- You know, it’s quite funny
- ?
- It’s behaves like a dog
- Don’t get that…?
- It stops by every tree
-
Johnny ask his friend, a newbie owner of an unrestored Pagoda:
- How is your Pagoda doing?
- You know, it’s quite funny
- ?
- It’s behaves like a dog
- Don’t get that…?
- It stops by every tree
Not only that, but it then lifts one side of its swing axle and starts leaking!
-
;D
-
:D
-
Two friends are sitting in a bar having beer:
- Look, says the first, I am so bored!
- Really? Listen,there is my mistress waiting for me in the car at the parking behind. It’s dark out there and she is so horny, so if you want to go there, she wouldn’t even notice it’s not me.
The guy encouraged by his friend went to the car and - after a few minutes had a great time with this mysterious nymphomaniac. Suddenly, their passions got interrupted by a vigorous knock on the door by a policeman with a bright torch:
- Do you know that you cannot do it in a public place?!
- Officer, but this is my wife - says the guy.
- Oh, that's different. I'm sorry, I didn't know - said the policeman.
- To tell the truth, I didn’t know either until you put the light on!
-
Daisy went to see her friend Fanny to wish her happy birthday. Then she asks:
- And what did you get from your dear husband?
Fanny responds:
- Have a look outside. Can you see that beautiful turquoise Pagoda outside?
- Wow, how amazing! She looks so gorgeous!
- It's that color slippers he bought for me...
-
This happens somewhere near Glasgow. A guy comes to the vulcanizer to fix a broken condom.
The vulcanizer looks at the item and says with distaste: You know, I am a Scotsman too and aware of our reputation, but this is too much!
The client: Well yes, I agree, and under normal circumstances would react the same way. However, this one is a special case: it’s property of our Club!
-
Indeed! It's quite a dilemma especially with an item that has most seemingly been transmitted over several generations of club members!
-
Cee's Since I am Dutch here is one I have referred to often while working on my Pagoda......."Vee are to soon oldt...and to late schmart".
-
some wise thought for 2015, including one with MB ;)
-
We are in the seventies. Sheikh Mustafa Ben Ali of Arabia wishes to order a new car to add to his large collection. First, he decides to call Mercedes, after all, a widely praised, and reliable brand.
- Ja, ja, naturlich, but to get our car you have to wait half a year. We have a lot of orders of our luxury cars, he hears
Well, only half a year, it cannot be a luxury car – the sheikh thought.
He calls Rolls Royce.
- Yes of course indeed, but to get our car you have to wait a year. We need first to customize the car to you requirements.
- Hmmm - thinks the sheikh - in the end, maybe a German car would be a better choice. It's a bit too long to wait a year, and the German cars are very solid.
So, by coincidence he calls Trabant factory.
- Jawohl, ja, ja - says the factory’s director. But we have so many orders that our waiting queue is very long!!! We are sorry, but to get our car you have to wait at least two, if not three years!!!
- Such a long waiting list – thinks the sheikh. It must be an exceptional car, worth waiting for. And truly impressed he orders the car without further hesitation.
The entire Trabant factory workforce is completely shaken by the incredible news: A super rich sheikh has just ordered a Trabant! The director rushes to the first secretary of the factory’s communist party organization:
- Comrade first secretary!!! A rich Arab sheikh placed an order with us!!!
The first secretary’s reaction was immediate:
- Such a customer cannot wait such a long time. The car has to be delivered within a week!!! To our Party it is a matter of credibility and pride!!!
The car is ready in no time and delivered after three days by a special cargo airplane.
The sheikh, delighted and impressed, calls his friend:
- Listen, Mohammad, I have great news. I ordered a car at a German factory!!! It is so desirable that you have to wait two years to get this wonderful Trabant. However, to make it more bearable, a few days after placing my order they sent me its plastic model!!!
-
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her,
"Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a
prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
Catholic family, so ye are."
"OK,Daddy...as ye wish..
I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion
plus a $5 million cheque.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy,the sparkling refurbished like new 1963 Mercedes Pagoda convertible that's parked
outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club."
She takes a breath and continues, "?and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year?s Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
-
The seven-year boy walking along the sidewalk itself on the way to school.
Car pulls up. The driver opens the glass window and says:
- Get inside I'll give you 10 dollars and a lollipop!
The boy does not respond and the pace quickens. The car rolls slowly behind him. Again, it stops at the curb ...
- Well get in the car! I'll give you 20 dollars , lollipop and chips!
The boy shakes his head again and accelerates the pace ... The car is still slowly going after him. Stops again.
- Well do not be so ... get in the car! My final offer - 50 dollars , chips, cola and chupa-chups box!
- Oh Dad Get Back on! You bought a BMW instead of Mercedes then you have to live with it.
-
An 80-year-old Idaho farmer goes to the clinic in Idaho Falls for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Idaho Falls, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.' On weekends I drive my 1963 Pagoda it's a 230 SL and it makes me feel like a 20 year old.
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Idaho boy. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the bar for a beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Idaho Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.In fact on weekends he helps me wash my Pagoda'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
Who said he wanted to ??
-
My wife left a note on the fridge, " It's not working.I can't take it anymore.I am going to my mom's place.''
I opened the fridge.The light came on.The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about ?